12
Feb 08
“It’s
fun being me!”
Yes indeed,
it's fun being me. In summer, a man of leisure, in the cooler months
a chance to share my wisdom on the game, the magnificent game, as
only I - am English-as-a-second-language, Australian-as-a-second-nationality,
cash-as-a-second currency blue-blood - can know it.
I first
learned the rudiments of the great Aussie game by listening to the
great Ken Petrucco, the godfather of VAFA broadcasting, while watching
the amateur game at the same time.
I have learned
to be an Aussie the same way every native-born lazy kid does - by
watching television and I gained much confidence with the success
of other English-as-a-second language football commentators such
as Doug Hawkins and Rex Hunt.
The Old
Xaverians club has been a great help to me over the years and I
appreciated the opportunity to say a few kind words about Bones
Richardson on their 2007 DVD. However I did not appreciate the abuse
that flowed to me from such comments. Cannot a man call it as he
sees it any more? Did Aussies go all soft and gooey with the ascenscion
of Kevin07?
In the months
following, I have tried without success to learn the art of subtlety.
However, I have learned there is more than one way to eat a cat.
While sitting in my parlour watching television, I learned context.
I discovered that I am not the harshest critic of the VAFA or the
Xavs at all - in fact, there is a whole television series about
life in the amateurs.
While
this program has a legal setting and is set 10,000 miles away, it
has clearly been written by someone who has spent years studying
Old Xaverians and the VAFA. That show is Boston Legal and the dialogue
of its lead character Denny Crane (played by the great William Shatner)
is often taken straight from real-life VAFA situations.
Of course,
the names and situations and locales have been changed to protect
the guilty, but I have seen through them.
Don't believe
me? Try these .
. .
I'm the one
that's lost, ... empty, I should say. All my life I wanted the Red
Sox to win the World Series. It was like a quest, you know? Something
burning inside. And now the bastards have done it. And I feel like,
I don't know, like my pilot light went out...What do we do now?
- Jack Bowen said this almost word-for-word when Xavs took their
first A Section flag in 1981, not knowing then that success would
one day become more expectation than hope.
As soon as you say it's OK
to ban assault weapons, my friend, even in the private sector, you
make it easier to take guns away from hunting... then personal protection...
soon the military and the police are without firearms.
Avid hunter Slicer McLean arguing that he should throw the M16 in
the trunk for the annual hunting trip up north.
You would agree that by and
large, vegetarians are communists? - VAFA CEO Michael
Sholly haranguing Elsternwick Park caterer Neil Weatherson because
the Wick Burgers have run about by 1:30pm.
As you get older your priorities
change. You begin to realize what really matters. Money!
- John Bowen 3 on hanging up the boots after 2003 premiership.
I'm ready to go to trial.
Lock and load - The late Mick Rush said this on many
occasions as he went to the VAFA tribunal as an advocate, fighting
evil video evidence that might convict his client.
The only thing to be scared
of, son, is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun
in it - Sam Hunter behind the wheel, looking forward
to the 1997 GF.
I'm not worried. Do I look
worried? Yeah. Look out there. My domain. My city.
- Xavs kingmaker Ralph O'Shaughnessy in mid-season 1996, with Xavs
staring at relegation.
(I'm) not gonna be turned
off like a hair dryer. Live by the gun, die by the gun -
Xavs coach Scrapper Meehan mid-season 1996, just before Ralph O'Shaughnessy
turned him off like a hair dryer.
Well, you know, given our
relationship, I feel entitled to be honest, the way friends are
during difficult times. Can I be honest with you? You're a bastard,
and a greedy one at that... This is about ambition, not morality
- rumoured goodbye kiss to aforementioned Scrapper,
unsigned.
You hear the one about the
fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in.
Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's
that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny
Crane." - former STB and HAI coach Peter Nicholson,
telling a joke about himself.
Tell stories, create characters,
capture an audience, try to make them feel what we want them to
feel - Bluey Connellan musing on where Needles Nicholson
has got it all wrong.
God has no place here - Anonymous
Jesuit priest on a visit to the Badlands.
It's a good feeling, you
know, to shoot a bad guy - Michael
Blood after he slayed yet another ruckman in a big game at Elsternwick
Park.
Did something happen? Was
I in the room when it happened? - Michael Hennessy
to his Old Brighton mates one Monday morning mid-September last.
Now if all else fails and
you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president
- Michael Hennessy to his Old Brighton mates one Monday
morning mid-September last.
We're talking juries. It
always comes down to simple. And, I mean, there's nobody simpler
than me - Porky Rhoden telling why he's an ideal VAFA
tribunal member.
Bored? How can I be bored?
I'm Denny Crane. Even the sound of my name fascinates. More, Sydney.
More about me - based on words reputedly uttered often
by former VAFA umpire Jason McNiece.
I'm an ex-Marine! I was a
trained sniper. Or was it a pilot? - Jason McNiece
again.
You look upset. I can tell
these things. I'm a people person - Jason McNiece
again, awarding another controversial free in a final.
Whatever it is, I'm innocent
- Scott Mollard's retort as an umpire turned him around
to take his number.
First rule of thumb in practicing
law: always, always promise the client millions and millions of
dollars. It's good business - based on rumoured recruiting
tactics of certain EFL and other clubs, keen to grab talent.
Here's what you need to know
about the practice of law, son. It all comes down to money. I've
got it. He doesn't. I'll win. - based on rumoured
recruiting tactics of certain EFL and other clubs, keen to grab
talent.
I can never understand why
people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works
every time - a bloodied Tonza Keyhoe, when a teammate
sympathised with him after he was whacked unfairly behind the play
It's a stupid law. Overturn
it. Be a man - Tonza Keyhoe pleading his own case
at the tribunal, trying to justify an eye-for-an-eye approach.
Does this make me look fat?
- Rod Calhaem pulling on a tighter-than-used-to guernsey for debut
in 2s at age 33.
When God strips you of your
talent, He should at least have the decency to strip away the memory
of having had it - Rod Calhaem again, after his ignominious
2s debut.
Alan, you know, one thing
you sometimes forget is, no matter how hard your day, no matter
how tough your choices, how complex your ethical decisions - you
always get to choose what you want for lunch - OXFC
sponsor Ross Freer counselling a distraught player.
A man arrested for defending
his own house. It's a farce. Not the funny kind. This is one serious
farce - Barry Richardson, on hearing he may have been
reported for discussing the game with umpires immediately after
a loss.
May I express a thought?
I so rarely get one - a sarcastic Chunky Ralph at
committee meeting.
There you go again. Always
looking for a point - Robert Ralph as President, beating
a recalcitrant committeeman into submission.
It's got everything. Sex.
Politics. Everything but one key ingredient. Denny Crane. I'm in
- Dom Berry answers the call to play in late 1996.
Bet you'd lick my shoes for
a murder case. Wouldn't you kid?... Because I like you, you don't
have to lick them, just dust them with your sleeve - Paul
Connors dangling a prize new client in front of one of his junior
associates.
No comment. The blind shall
lead - Scott "Dusty" Denison after another
failed presidential coup.
I may not be the Denny Crane
I once was, but until today I didn't realize that this Denny Crane
might be even better - Matthew "Killer"
Bourke after snagging a couple impossible goals in a Legends game
two years ago.
I'm Denny Crane! No bigger
ass, err asset! You want me at your table - Mr Chips
flogging himself to the highest bidder.
Denny Crane! Master of the
house - once, "Adam Jones, Master of the House",
though Steve Curtain is rumoured to have originated this humble
introduction to opponents.
Don't waste your time trying
to get in my head. There's nothing there - regular
sledge to opposition players by Xavs runner Louis Hannebery.
You’re one of those
environmental lawyers? Evildoers. Yesterday it’s a tree, tomorrow
it’s a salmon, tomorrow it’s, ''Let’s not dig
up Alaska for oil because it’s too pretty.'' Let me tell you
something, I came out here to enjoy nature. Don't talk to me about
the environment - the webmaster, overheard at Healesville
last year.
There are no facts anymore,
kiddo. Only good or bad fiction - Dave Landrigan to
St Bernard's opponents in 2000 GF final quarter.
Here's a little secret. I
know things. Don't tell - former CEO and assistant
coach Kevin O'Shaughnessy, accurately predicting another "tears
before bedtime" episode before anyone else noticed.
Now what I committed here
was an act of civil disobedience. I shot the guy in the head as
a wakeup call. We have got to motivate the lazy slobs in this country
to get off their fat lazy asses and go to work - Bingham
tribunal defence in 2006, straight out of Barry Richardson's first
sppech to the club in 1995.
This is not a meaningful
life! Practicing law, drinking scotch at nine o'clock in the morning.
Nine o'clock scotch is meaningful, but practicing law, making money,
settling petty disputes... -
rumoured to be in the minutes of a VAFA exec meeting from a long
time ago.
It’s fun being me!
- yep, I said that first , and it's true.
RESPONSE
Dear Sheik,
I have enjoyed many of your
musing over the years, but I must say you are showing your age.
Are you aware that there are players other than Killer, Sass and
Scooter? There are other people who are involved in the club, you
know. "Slicer" and "Chunky" aren't relevant
to anyone any more. Lift, Sheik!!! Let's move into the new millennium.
Regards,
Modboy
Dear Modboy:
I have it on some authority that
you are a schoolteacher, which is regrettable given your spelling
and use of syntax. I have amended the former but left the latter
alone to embarrass you.
These men "no
longer relevant"? You should get down on your kness/mat and
thank God/Allah that these giants, on whose very shoulders you stand,
were - and remain - luminaries.
WATTS UP. 
2008
MID-SEASON MARKINGS